The 12 Stages of Having a Brazilian Wax

Oh it’s summer time again, happy days at the beach wohoo! But before you can do that cheery cartwheel on the sand while perverts drool over your amateur gymnastic skills, there’s one thing you must do… (play horror song) BRAZILLIAN WAX (play sound of screaming gir)! Yes, that most dreaded painful (fcuk Brazillians) pre-bikini ritual. Well just like depression and drunkenness, having a brazillian wax has its stages. Let me enumerate them.

  1. You question yourself if you’re doing the right thing while driving towards the torture venue.
  • “Is my Princess Sophia really that hairy? Can’t I just tuck the excessive hairs in my bikini bottom? Can I just shave them? No, I can’t. I have to do this once and for all.  Okay I’m doing the right thing. It will be over soon.”
  1. You keep on psyching yourself upon arrival at the torture venue.
    • “I can do this! I’m a strong 25 year-old woman. I’ve already endured a wisdom tooth extraction so this Brazilian wax will just be like an ant bite. Right?”
  2. You become paranoid when your waxer suddenly frowns upon seeing you.
    • “Oh my gosh, why did she just do that? Did she think, “Here goes the girl with the big hairy vajay again.”? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, this wax is going to hurt like hell! Sh*t!”
  3. You feel start to feel a little awkward while taking off your bottoms in your waxer’s room.
    • “Okay so I’m getting semi-naked for a girl. This is weird. How should I fix my shorts and underwear? Should I hang or fold it? Hanging it seems to present a sexual image. But I don’t know where to put them folded. I’ll just put the underwear inside the shorts and hang it then.”
  4. You feel really awkward when your waxer enters the room while you’re lying semi-naked on the bed.
    •  “So should I start a small talk? Like how are you? Or hey you look nice. No! Don’t do that! Maybe I can talk about the weather? ”
  5. You feel totally awkward when your waxer starts waxing.
    • “Should I explain why I’m getting a wax? She wouldn’t think I’m getting a wax for hot sex right? I mean come on it is summer so she must assume I’m going to the beach.”
  6. You feel angry as the waxer keeps waxing you.
    • “Why the fcuk was brazillian wax invented! Why the hell should women torture themselves to remove their pubes! Why! I hate men! They started this notion!”
  7. You feel horrifyingly awkward when your waxer starts waxing the most intimate part of your vajay.
    • “Oh my gosh, don’t bloody curl your toes! So is this what Anna somehow felt when Christian Grey was doing that stuff on her? What the hell! I’m so sick! Stop those disgusting thoughts you weirdo! Focus on the ceiling!”
  8.  As the waxing draws to an end, you feel slightly awkward when the waxer asks you to lie on your stomach as she waxes your butthole.
    • “I did wash after pooping this morning, but would there still be some remnants? Oh gosh I hope not!”
  9. You feel rejuvenated upon ending the wax.
    • “Atlas! Finally! Wow this looks nice.”
  10. Your feelings turn 180 upon getting the bill for the service.
    • “What the hell! 500 for undergoing that torture?! Fcuk! Arg! I hate men! I hate Brazilians (except Daniel Matsunaga, he’s hot)! I’m never doing this crap again!”
  11. You begin to accept the fact that no matter how painful and absurd Brazilian wax is, you will still do it more than once a year because unfortunately it has become one of those preposterous norm.



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